The Phelps household

[Esme Russel]

They live in the same building as the Manson family, the Welsh family, Kegan Conley and Dallas Kennedy.
{Yes I am aware that Hutch isn't born yet but I wanted to include him so just.. yeah.}

[Esme Russel]

Esme hated it when Cici was with Jonathan.

She hated going to the beach with her beautiful daughter and coming home alone.

She hated pacing nervously around the living room, unable to relax, because she had no idea what to do without her daughter around. They'd been doing this since she was five months old and it still wasn't any easier. She just couldn't settle down when she was at the apartment alone so she'd clean.

And clean.

And clean some more until every inch of their apartment was absolutely spotless.

Where was her husband? Hot dog and Riley were both watching her from their comfortable spots on the couch like she was insane as she dusted the ceiling. Who dusts the ceiling on a regular basis? Well besides Mrs. Phelps, of course.

A dirty ceiling was a sign of bad things like that the occupants of the house were too busy doing other things to think about the cleanliness of their home. Or you know that they had sex lives... Either way.

She honestly didn't know if she really wanted Hudson to get home because they were just going to have to discuss the fact that he was quite possibly cheating on her just not with Thalia Manson.

Six months.

He had to have been getting it from someone during this time since he obviously wasn't going to her and she hadn't caught him doing it solo. She'd cooked dinner; homemade cheese burgers with bacon and fries with chocolate milkshakes as a way to lure the truth out of him.

What if it didn't work? It had to work! He was either going to be honest about his possible cheating and have a delicious fattening meal or have tofu.

His choice.

Was it because she wasn't attractive? Was it because she was fat? Ugly? Did he find the red hair boring? What could have him not want to be with her sexually?

Did he just not love her anymore?

He'd fallen out of love and she could feel it like he was slipping away. This was hell.

[Hudson Phelps]

Hudson had only just gotten home from school. It had been a rough day of intense note taking and long, boring lectures. It was all for a good cause, though, as if he was to get anywhere, he'd have to go through this. If he was ever going to be something to his dad, this was the way to do it.

Upon walking into his apartment, Hudson set down his backpack and removed his hoodie, tossing it over a chair. For a student attending an ivy league college, he looked pretty lousy. A pair of baggy jeans, some beat up Sneakers, a white tee and a black hoodie (covered in dog hair)... wow, very professional.

"Esssss I'm homeee," he hollered as he headed for the fridge and grabbed a bottle of Sprite.

[Esme Russel]

"And the handsome prince and the beautiful princess lived happily ever after." Esme always felt bad when Cici was with Jonathan especially when she was with Jon for an extended period of time like now. How could she go weeks without seeing her daughter? How was this humane? "I love you, too, baby... Oh, yeah, go play with their new puppy." She let out a heavy sigh before hanging up the phone and heading into the living room.

"Hey Hudson... I miss my baby." She wasn't entirely sure which baby she was talking about; the one that she gave birth to or the one that she well was married to. "But at least now you're home to keep me company!" She did have some mild guilt for constantly choosing other things (Well Cici) over him which was why she tried to dedicate herself to him completely whenever they were together.

"Did you miss me today?" She wasn't asking that seriously which was why she kissed him before he could answer, "We need to talk about something serious..... You might not want to hear this but it needs to be said." She nodded before pointing to the table. Wow, that sounded like the beginning of a 'let's divorce' talk not a 'let's start trying to conceive' talk.

She wanted a baby that she didn't have to hand over to someone else.

[Hudson Phelps]

Hudson frowned a bit when she mentioned that they had to talk. Putting his head to the side, his mouth opened slightly, but no words came out. Then: "What's.. wrong.. Esme?" he sat down slowly at the table, all sorts of horrible thoughts rushing through his head.

Holy fucking fuck. What the fuck is going on. Is she seeing Jon again? Is she pregnant with ANOTHER of his babies? What the hell is going on...

He sat quietly, waiting for her to sit beside him to tell him what on earth she needed to talk about. She looked so serious and frankly, he was scared.

[Esme Russel]

"It's.... I've been thinking about it for awhile.... Since we got married, actually and I mean.... It obviously hasn't happened yet since it's been six months since we've.... yeah." Esme cleared her throat nervously as she sat down and took his hands in her own.

"Hudson, I love Cici and you know that but it's hard to send her to Jonathan's and know that she's over there having fun with him and Avery." She felt her eyes fill with hot tears, "But that's not the point...." She squeezed his hands tighter in her own and tried desperately to think of how to say this.

"I want a baby, I want your baby."

{ www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=56956971 }

She moved her hands away from his and fixed her boots, "But I mean..... You've gone six months without sex so maybe you don't want to have a baby with me and that's why you don't want to um you know."

[Hudson Phelps]

Hudson sighed in relief. "Holy fuck Esme you scared the shit out of me," he said, almost laughing a little bit. But he calmed down quickly, hoping he hadn't offended her. He offered a light smile and tilted his head slightly to the side. He reached for her hands again.

"Es, listen to me. I love you. Its only been so long because of school. You've seen me! All I do is study and go to school, study and go to school. That's all I can fit in. I come home exhausted. Don't you dare think for a minute that I don't want to have sex with you," he said, then swallowed hard. "Because I do. I really do. And I want a baby with you.. but.. I want to be there for him.. or her.. And if I'm at school all day? I can't be. I don't want my child to grow up without a father. Or at least with a father who's never here. Do you understand?"

He waited for about five minutes, the both of them sitting in silence. "Esme, I want a baby with you more than anything. I just want to wait until I can be here to see it," he said, hoping that made it sound a little better.

[Esme Russel]

Esme remained quiet after he spoke, she never did handle waiting or disappointment well, did she? She figured that there were two ways to handle this: She could scream and yell at him and not get a baby or end this now and not get a baby out of this. She lost either way, didn't she? "Yeah... I guess, whatever." She wasn't even trying to hide the fact that she was disappointed and she'd moved her hand away from him. She was trying not to touch him.

"I should go do... anything that isn't this and you probably need to study." She said 'study' in a disgusted tone like he was going to go pee on things not further his education. She stood up and started to walk away but she paused and looked back at him, "It's not fair! I'm married to you and I never even see you! What's the point? Why are we even....? Why? You never have time for me and after you finish school? You'll be too busy working! Do you really believe that there's ever going to be a perfect time to have a baby? There won't be and we'll just be waiting forever and I'm not willing to wait forever. You can decide to either make time for your family or... Or I just don't know what we'll do." She shook her head and looked down before covering her face with her hands so he wouldn't see her crying. Why did everyone else get a baby? Was she just not worthy of having one? Was she just not good enough to bare his children? Like he was so perfect! Why did he get to decide if she had a baby or not? Wasn't it her body? Wasn't it her choice? Her body, her choice though it was his sperm and that was his body, his choice so she supposed that she was going to have to get him to agree to that one but how? How could she get him to understand?

"I love you, Hudson but I don't want to wait forever. I don't want to have kids who are ten years apart and never talk anymore. Do you know the last time I said anything to Anna or Beatrice? It's been years since I talked to them. I don't want Cici to grow up as an only child and then suddenly have a baby brother or sister and a huge adjustment and you know what really sucks? She's not suppose to be an only child and I'm scared. I'm scared that if I could lose a baby at seventeen then think of what it's going to be like now or in a couple of years. Did you know the risks are increased if you're older? I don't want to wait too long and never get the chance but you don't really care about that." She was crying and now making no attempts to hide it.

"You just... You always choose everything over me and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the last person on your list, it's school and everything else in the world than me and I don't feel like you love me anymore."

[Hudson Phelps]

Hudson sat. Sat and listened. Sat and listened and fought back the tears. She cried a lot.. he was almost sort of used to it, which is bad to say but still. But this crying? She seemed broken. And he felt broken, too. More broken than he'd felt in a long time.

Wow.. he hadn't felt this way since high school.

He put his head down when she said she felt like he didn't love her anymore. He sniffed heavily, practically snorting, fighting to keep his nose from running and his eyes from poring out tears. Rubbing at his eyes, Hudson looked up with a simultaneous snort and put his head to the side so he wouldn't have to look at her. He almost laughed.

"Why.. why would you ever say that?" he asked, his voice cracking as he still fought back the tears. "Why.." he started to ask again, but cut himself off by putting his hand over his mouth as a tear streamed down his cheek. He stood, slowly, grabbing his backpack from the floor and throwing it over his shoulders. He still hadn't looked at her.

Turning, Hudson went for the door and put his hand on the knob, his head against the frame. Should he leave? Cower and avoid the situation? Cry and go back to his old ways, reopening the scars on his hip? Or should he stay? Comfort his wife and explain why now isn't a good time for a baby? He was so confused and all he could do right now was stand there with his head against the door as he cried and cried.

[Esme Russel]

Esme was surprised when he started crying; her intention had never been to upset him in any way. She didn't want him to leave! (partly because she was concerned that he'd never come back) She wiped her teary eyes and walked over to him almost timidly.

What if he pushed her away? What if he just pushed her aside and left? She knew logically that he was a better man than that but she was scared that he was doubting their marriage. She loved him! Did he think that maybe she didn't love him anymore since she'd somehow started believing that he didn't love her? Stranger things have happened. "Hudson, please.... stay." She let out a tiny pathetic whimper at the end and she couldn't control herself. She needed to be closer to him than this... She needed him to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay even if it wasn't.

So, she reached over and wrapped her arms around his neck (affectionately not like choking him) and buried her head into his body. She missed this. She missed everything about holding him and she couldn't believe that it'd been so long since she'd touched him in a romantic sort of way even if this wasn't all that intimate. "I love you, Hudson and all I want is to make love and in nine or so months, show off that love. I want something that is living breathing proof of how much we care for each other.... You're the one that I want to raise a baby with." She definitely hadn't wanted to raise Cici with Jonathan, no offense to him, of course.

[Hudson Phelps]

Hudson sort of flinched when she put her arms around him, not quite sure what to do. If he hadn't been thinking about it all so hard, he'd realize exactly what was going on and probably could've come up with some sort of comforting remark. But instead he stood, frozen, eyes forward, left arm awkwardly around her back, right arm still attached to the door.

"Esme, I want to have a baby with you too. But I can't have you keep doubting me. It hurts so much that you blame me for everything," he said in a sort of soft, deep, monotonous way. "Everything I do is for you. For us. For our future."

He could've said a lot more. A LOT more. More about how they're so young and that they have time; more about the fact that its not his fault that Cici and their child to be might be a bit further apart in age than she wants. Man could he go on about how that's not his fault.. A few choice words flew through his brain when he thought about that... But he pushed them away and drew his gaze away from the wall. It wasn't on her now, though. It was at the floor, just to the right of where she stood.

[Esme Russel]

Esme knew that none of this was his fault even if it didn't always seem like it, she knew that her daughter having a large age difference between her and her future sibling was her fault for getting pregnant at seventeen. None of this was Hudson's fault; it was all her fault.

She was the one to blame for everything being the way that it was and maybe if she was just a happier person who was more fun to be around then more people would like her. She snuggled her head deeper into him before looking up at him with the most pathetic expression on her face. "I know it's not a good time for a baby but please... Hudson.... It......... I just really want a baby." What was she going to do if he said no? Drown her sorrows in food? Then she'd get fat and then he really wouldn't want to have a baby with her let alone have sex with her.

"Please..." She could cry for hours over how much that she wanted a baby with him but would that convince him? Probably not. "I'd rather live in a cheap apartment and have a ton of kids than live here and never have you around and never have a baby." She couldn't even begin to explain the ache that she felt whenever another one of her friends ended up pregnant. Or the horrible way that another thought crossed her mind:

Jon probably would've had another baby with her.

She loved Hudson and the thought of not being with him was heartbreaking but nothing was how she wanted it and she was losing control.

She needed to find control in her life.

[Hudson Phelps]

Hudson pushed away slightly. He wanted to hug her, but at the same time, he actually wanted to look at her now. "Esme. My schooling is everything to me. I'm not saying you aren't.. I'm just saying.. its keeping me sane. If I don't do this, if I don't give it my all, my entire family will disown me. Everyone. My mom, my siblings.. my dad," he looked down when he mentioned his dad and fell back against the wall, more tears rushing down his face.

Well that's just great. A 22 year old crying about "daddy doesn't love me". But what else was he supposed to do? He loved Esme and wanted a child more than anything.. but ever since he was a boy, Hudson has been chasing after the approval of his distant father. Now 22 years old, he's never gotten a "I'm proud of you, Hudson" or a "good job, son" from his dad. Never. Not once. And it hurt him that he had to do this to Esme.. but when you've been competing for love for so long.. it hurts more to just give it up.

"Don't ever doubt that I love you," he said quietly.

[Esme Russel]

"Fine... We can wait until you're done with school." Esme didn't want to wait. What if she didn't want a baby when he was done with school? What was keeping her sane? Cici? The only way that she'd get Cici all of the time was if she and Jonathan got back together which she didn't want no matter how easy that it would probably be to just pack up and leave as a little threesome.

Two best friends and their kids.

They could be like Bonnie and Clyde with a happier ending. She pulled away and crossed her arms as tightly over her chest as possible.

He loved her.

But was that enough? She wanted to be happy but nothing about this was making her happy. They were right where they were before! No, they were worse than before.

It could be years before he was ready to have a child and that meant what? She was suppose to wait patiently for him to decide that he was ready? What did she think she was? His little adoring fan? Someone who'd love him unconditionally even though he disappointed them? She was not Serena fucking Adams nor did she have any interest in becoming like her. She didn't want Hudson to control things like Serena let Drake.

"I'm tired."

She didn't actually mean that she wanted to sleep unless she could just never wake up in the morning. She was tired of life.

Tired of trying.

Tired of everything always being so damn complicated.

Tired of waiting.

Tired of knowing that he wanted his father's love more than he wanted her's.

Tired of not being enough.

He had her! What in the hell did he need him for? Why did he need the love of someone who never approved of him when he had the love of someone who always did?

[Hudson Phelps]

Hudson had been home alone all day. Well, Esme had been here earlier but she'd decided to go out with her lady friends because Cici wasn't home to keep her busy. Lately, he hadn't been enough for Esme. She wasn't home often.. Not even on the few days he didn't have school. He knew why though. It was the whole big baby drama. Everything about Hudson wanting to wait so he'd have time for their child, everything about Esme not wanting to wait and even going as far as saying she thought he didn't love her anymore. But that was a lie.. he did. He really did love her. But it had gotten to the point where Hudson had twisted things up in his head so much, that he now thought that SHE didn't love HIM.

"Its that reverse psychology thing," he told himself. "She says I don't love her.. but its all just because she doesn't love me.."

When people say things, when people make you believe things, its hard to forget. Its hard to just pretend like nothing ever happened. Its hard to move on.. Its hard to want to live anymore.

Hudson was lying on his bed, dozens of empty vodka bottles, beer bottles, wine bottles, you name it, lying all around him. He'd been trying for hours to lose himself to it all. Poison himself, in a sense. But from years and years of drinking, not even this much was enough to knock him out fully. He was more tipsy than a 21 year old on New Year's though. He'd only just finished another can of beer when he picked up his phone and called Danny, who answered as always.

They'd been talking for a while (Danny well aware of the fact that Hudson was drunk) when Hudson suddenly burst out about his feelings. Everything that he'd ever wanted to say was just slipping out.

"Y'know in first grade.. my teacher had us do this simulation thingy. She had us ball up a piece of paper, like jam it hard between our hands, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, everything. Without tearing it, though. Then, then she told us to pick it up, un-crinkle it and smooth it out as best we could," he suddenly began telling Danny a story. "Then, she told us to look at the paper. She told us to look at it and tell her whether it was perfectly wrinkle free or not. Mine sure as fuck wasn't. No one's was. She then said," he burped, "'No matter how hard you try, you're never going to get all the wrinkles out. And this piece of paper is just like a person. And those wrinkles are all the bad things other people have done to them,'" he was crying now, practically bawling, "Danny, do you understand? I'm wrinkled. Beyond repair. There's no fixing this. I'm done. What I really called you for was to say thank you and good bye. You were my best friend, Danny," and he was done talking. He didn't hang up, only put the phone down beside him. If you listened through the silence, you could hear Danny's faint voice on the other side of the line yelling Hudson's name. Hudson didn't hear though.. and if he did, he didn't care.

Ten minutes passed and Hudson had built up enough strength to run the kitchen knife down each wrist. He barely even felt it. With all the crying he'd been doing, his nerves were basically shot and not much really felt like anything. That's when he fell backward, his palms lying upright next to him atop the quilt. Danny was still yelling, but now for Blaine and then back into the phone "Hudson don't go anywhere! I'll call Esme!". Hudson heard that one. He snorted and began to cry even harder just before closing his eyes.