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Post by Hudson Phelps on Sept 8, 2012 16:49:41 GMT -5
Hudson snorted when she started talking about Jon. He still hadn't let go his jealousy problems and it had been how many years now? But the thoughts vanished when she said she felt like they needed space. He went to say something, but stopped before any words could come out. Blinking nervously, Hudson put his head down but quickly stood up and pulled his shorts back on.
"Oh.." he managed finally as he stood awkwardly, looking at the bed. "I.." he stopped himself as he went to the drawers and dug around for a tee shirt. But he stopped. "Why? I thought.. I thought we were back," he forced a smile, laughing only because he was confused. "I thought everything was going to be better now." His head was cocked lightly to the side as a tear rolled down his cheek. Noticing, he wiped it away quickly and pulled a solid black tee shirt from the uppermost drawer.
Tightening his grip around the tee, Hudson ground his teeth together. His mouth opened and closed at least four times in effort to speak. He finally looked at her again. "What's happening between us?" he whimpered. "I thought all this ended when we got married. I thought you wanted me like I wanted you. And don't say you do. Wanting someone is different than loving someone. I know you love me, and I love you. But.." he began to cry harder and pulled the tee over his head so she wouldn't notice. He was looking at the ground again.
A few minutes of awkward silence passed when Hudson was suddenly rushing about the room. He'd picked up his backpack and was back at the drawers again stuffing his socks, boxers, shirts and shorts as far into it as he could. When it was full, he went to the closet for a duffel bag and shoved the remaining articles of clothing into it, followed by his shoes. He left a pair of Sperry's, though, which he put on his feet. Slinging both bags up over his shoulders, Hudson went for the bedroom door, but stopped, putting his head against the wall. One last time, he turned to look at Esme. "I love you. I always will," he said, turning back to the door.
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Post by Esme Russel on Sept 8, 2012 17:21:19 GMT -5
Wasn't this what she was suppose to do? Let him go so he could live his life? Set him free? Esme knew that this was the right thing to do even if it hurt her but was it worth this pain? She could feel her heart breaking as he gathered his belongings. She wanted to stand up and tell him sweet nothings but it wasn't what they needed for their marriage. She was sobbing into a pillow, her head buried deeply into the soft fabric so he wouldn't see her face.
She didn't want him to know how much that this was hurting her. "Don't go." She whispered as she moved her face away from the pillow. What was she doing? "Stay in the apartment and talk to me. We need to work things out and figure this separation out but we can't do that if you walk away." She wiped her eyes and stood up so she could get dressed but she felt weak like this was taking literally everything out of her. She wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and promise him forever but that wasn't fair to either of them.
"I'll get a place and you keep this one while we figure this out. This isn't a breakup.... It's just a break to figure out who we are outside of us. I depend on you for everything about me, Hudson. I am struggling with things and I know that you are, too. Did you know I didn't eat for a week last month because I was worried that you thought that I was too fat? I would change everything about me to fit you and I know you've never asked it of me but it happens. I need to find out who I am because I don't recognize the girl that I use to be anymore." She cleared her throat and looked away from him once again before she gathered her own things in a small duffle bag.
Leaving is hard, it was going to damn near break her but sometimes staying is worse than leaving. They were something that was worth fighting for but she couldn't fight like this anymore. Someone needed to make a move but it was like they were stuck so she was trying to save them. She was doing this to help what was clearly a crumbling marriage.
"I will never love anyone as much as I love you and I want to be with you more than anything in the world but I want us both to find what we need first because if we don't then we'll end up divorced and I can't stand the idea of losing you forever like that." She was shaking as she spoke which only happened when she was so upset that she couldn't even cry. She was holding back a river of tears so he wouldn't end up feeling guilty.
He loved her enough to care when she was sad and she knew that. She knew deep down that he loved her for who that she was and he was the only person who truly knew her, the her that she was now and the her that she wanted to be in the future. He was her biggest supporter, her rock, her world, her husband and that would never change. He had something that Jonathan and Maxwell and all the other guys never did. He had his own problems and that was okay because she had her own.
She couldn't believe that this was happening but she knew that it wasn't permanent which was why she leaned over to give him a long tender kiss. She was putting all of her emotions into that kiss - the lust, the passion, the sadness, the pure love. He was her true love.
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Post by Hudson Phelps on Sept 8, 2012 22:44:50 GMT -5
Hudson pulled away from the kiss shyly and looked to the ground, dropping the bags from his shoulders. "I dont know why this all makes sense to you but.. I love you and i o ly want you to be happy," he said in a serious tone. His voice was cracking though so it was clear that he really wasnt as serious as he thought he was.
Turning away, Hudson dragged the bags by their straps back over to the drawers and began emptying the now wrinkled clothes back into them. He kept his eyes down and said nothing more to Esme, though he could feel her looking at him.
Did he want her to leave? Of course he didnt. He loved her, he honestly did. But his wrists were shining up at him, the cuts screaming that this was his fault, that nobody loves him. Hiding his face, Hudson held back the whimpering that was playing in his head. He turned to the window and put his hands on the glass as his head hung to his chest.
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Post by Esme Russel on Sept 9, 2012 5:25:30 GMT -5
Couldn't he see that this wasn’t what she wanted? Esme never ever thought that she would be hurting Hudson like this after everything that they'd been through, she wanted the happily ever after already but you can't skip to the end of a fairytale, can you? Sometimes you just need to deal with all of the hassles, the inconveniences and the poison apples. She moved towards him once more and ran her fingers along his shoulder then through his growing hair. She loved him, she loved everything about him and she wished that there was a way to tell him so.
She glanced down at the scars on his wrists and let out a sudden desperate sob. “Hudson... Please.....” She was leaning against the window now but she slowly ended up on the ground, her head buried in her knees as she cried. She didn't want to do this. She didn’t want to feel this pain but she wanted to do the very best for him. “Please understand that I love you and you're the only person that I ever want to be with but I am blaming myself for your suicide attempt and it kills me to think about it.” She wiped her eyes and forced eye contact between the two. “I walked in on you alone and drunk in a puddle of your own blood, Hudson. Do you know how scary that was? I have nightmares about it every single night and wake up crying because in my dreams, I'm just a little too late and you die. You're gone and there's nothing I can do and I'm scared that if we don't do this then it's going to end up becoming a reality.” She knew that this wouldn't make much sense to him right now but she hoped that he would understand someday why she needed this.
“I feel selfish for feeling this way which is why I haven’t told you about this and why I fight the urge to wake you up to hold me at two in the morning when I can't fall back asleep.” She was somewhat calmer but she was still hurting emotionally. She didn't know what else to say besides that she loved him. “You know that I'm your wife and that I will always be your wife. I love you and I want to be with you when I'm ninety and wrinkly and gross in our rocking chairs. I love you and I will forever. You're my future, my past, my present, my everything.”
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Post by Esme Russel on Oct 2, 2012 15:49:16 GMT -5
If this was last year then it would have been ten times easier to announce her pregnancy as she would have just told him that she needed a pregnancy test, he would go buy her one and they'd both wait for the results not this mess where she was actually showing and still hadn't informed him that there was a baby on the way. What if he yelled? What if the fact that she'd kept this a secret for so long made him so angry that he just couldn't forgive her? Esme hadn't done this to hurt him but how could she get him to understand that when she didn't even really understand her reasoning behind hiding it? Fear wasn't a reason to not tell him so she forced herself to text him and then drive all the way back to their old apartment and face this whole situation.
She was so afraid of his reaction that her hands were shaking as she slipped her old key into the lock - why in the hell would she knock? This was just as much still her apartment as it was his since she was still paying some of the bills for it and a lot of her stuff was still there. "Hudson? Um....." She didn't know how to announce that she was there! She use to just say that she was home but this wasn't home anymore, was it? This was /his/ apartment and she had basically just broke in well minus the breaking part since she did have a key.... Was this legal? What if he called the cops? But her name was on the lease! That made her feel slightly better about the legality of her situation but it didn't do much for the nerves over the bun currently baking in her oven. How did that saying even come about? It made absolutely no sense, were you going to eat the baby after it came out? No! Then why in the hell would you compare it to a delicious bun?And why compare a uterus to an oven? You can't just stick a frozen pizza up your vag and expect to push out a fully cooked one! The whole thing just didn't make sense!
It'd been snowing pretty hard outside so she took her heavy coat off first along with her other now unneeded layers, "Um... You should sit down, Hudson." She motioned towards the table and took a seat with a heavy sigh. Her bump looked bigger today thanks to a nice tight sweater which also made her breasts look bigger so she wasn't entirely sure where his focus was going to land. "How have things been going? Cici's the tooth in her school play which she really wants you to go see, I heard the baby's heartbeat, washed my car then it rained, of course." She didn't know why she threw it in so casually but it was too late to do anything about that now, wasn't it? What if he hadn't even caught that?
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Post by Hudson Phelps on Oct 11, 2012 18:23:54 GMT -5
Hudson yawned as he sat at the table, used to getting bad news from Esme often. This was almost the norm now. He was expecting something like "i need money for my house" or "i want to move back in with you". Both of which he wasn't very comfortable with right now. But both of those thoughts drifted away when he noticed her stomach.
Great, another one, he thought to himself as reached across the table for a mug of hot chocolate he'd made only seconds before she arrived. He would have offered her some, but he only made one cup. I mean, when you live alone, there's no need for more than one mug. He nodded lightly when she mentioned Cici's play, but looked past it.
"So who's is it this time?" he asked bluntly, blowing over the top of the mug before taking a sip. Still hot, he squinted and set the cup down. He couldn't believe she was back here to tell him about some other guy's baby again. Why was he supposed to care? Why on earth was he supposed to care that his wife just got impregnated by some other random guy? It wasn't supposed to bother him when they were dating so why was it supposed to be any different now that they were married? Clearly, Hudson was mad as he sat back in his chair, head nearly boiling over.
(and i didn't know how to fit this in there but he's wearing a pair of dark jeans that are kinda faded across the thighs, a white hoodie that says "Ohio" across the chest in black and red and a pair of thick white socks. yay clothing)
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Post by Esme Russel on Oct 11, 2012 18:41:19 GMT -5
Some other guy's baby? What in the hell was he talking about? Esme wanted to grab his mug of hot chocolate and pour it over his pants because that would probably hurt more than his face and tell him that there was no way in hell that this was another man's child and how dare he accuse her of having an affair like that but in a weird way, she understood why he was doubtful since she and Jonathan had their history and all. "You're an asshole, Hudson." She couldn't just not get upset over that! She was pregnant and hormonal and he had just basically called her a whore who didn't care about respecting the vows that she took. "You are such an asshole! Just ugh." She stood up and grabbed her purse, she was ready to just storm out of the apartment and never look back.
She could raise the baby on her own, right? She didn't need him! She had a stable income and supportive friends so why did she really need Hudson to help her out? Because he was the father? If he wasn't going to be a jerk about the whole situation than he didn't deserve to know her beautiful baby. "Do you honestly think that I would cheat on you and have someone else's baby after everything that we've been through? It's your baby, Hudson and I was excited to start a family with you. I married you and you still think that I'm just some easy little tramp who's going to cheat on you and have babies with everyone. I don't even know why I try with you, I'm never going to change in your eyes, will I? Have I ever given you any reason to doubt me since we've gotten back together in high school? No! Nothing! I feel guilty even looking at other guys because I love you and you just think I'm going to spread my legs..." She was irritated with everyone assuming that she was still slutty which was why she went from perfectly fine to yelling at him.
She stopped yelling and sat back down because well, they really did need to discuss the fact that she was having his baby and what exactly this meant. She didn't want to look at him so she just put her head in her hands and shook her head, what were they going to do when he thought that she was a slut? She was actually crying into her hands which was embarrassing but she kind of hoped it'd make him feel guilty.
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Post by Hudson Phelps on Oct 11, 2012 19:33:13 GMT -5
Hudson rolled his eyes as she stomped around.. but his attention was grabbed when she said that it was his baby. "What?" he almost whispered as she continued her rant. Sitting quietly, looking down, Hudson waited for her to finish when she finally threw herself back into the chair and dropped her head like she always did. Hudson smiled lightly, the news sinking in. Slowly, he pushed himself off of the chair and down onto his knees. He scooched forward a bit, put his hands on her wrists and pulling them out from under her face.
"Hey," he said, putting his face under her's so he could see her. "Hey, stop that. No crying," he added, hoping she'd look up. "I am an asshole. I big, fat asshole. You just caught me on a bad day and I.. I assumed that.." he shook his head. "Never mind. Esme, I'm so happy. SO happy right now. Can you forgive me, baby?" He hadn't let go of her wrists yet and his face was still turning to get under her's. God why had he been such an ass.. how was he going to turn that around?
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Post by Esme Russel on Oct 11, 2012 19:45:11 GMT -5
Esme glanced up at him and sniffled pathetically to try and make him feel guilty for upsetting her when she was having his baby. "Yeah, I forgive you." She glanced down at his hands and pursed her lips, what were they going to do? Be a happy married couple again just because they were having a baby? Continue living separate lives? Pretend that they could just ignore the pregnancy and it would go away? "I just wish your first thought wasn't that I was a big fat skank who would cheat on you." She forced herself to lock eyes with him and she contemplated giving this big speech about how she loved him too much to disrespect him by cheating on him with another man and especially not to have a baby with someone else and then go tell him in the most casual way possible.
"I wish that you thought better of me because I wouldn't cheat on you." She glanced down at her hand well more her ring finger where her wedding ring still was, "See? I didn't take it off and I'm not going to because we might be separated but that doesn't make cheating right because we aren't divorced and even if we were, I wouldn't be with anyone else because I love you and we're having a baby together." She didn't know how to explain herself and all of the reasons why he should trust her when he had very valid reasons not to; she had cheated on him in the past and that kind of thing didn't just go away, right? "I know that you said it's a bad day but... it doesn't feel good when your husband's first reaction to your pregnancy is that it isn't his."
Hell, Jonathan had never once suspected that it was never his baby and that was when she was sleeping around all the time with everyone that she possibly could. "Speaking of being with other people... Have you... been with anyone else?" She had told him to sleep around, hadn't she? Wasn't that why she did this so he could experience life? So why was the idea of him having sex with someone else so offensive?
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Post by Hudson Phelps on Oct 11, 2012 20:09:30 GMT -5
Hudson put his head down a little, but quickly picked it back up. "I'm sorry, Esme. It really wasn't right of me to judge you like that," he said and ran his right hand back through her hair. "I don't and never did think that you'd cheat. I just.. I jumped to conclusions. The past got a hold of me and I.. I dunno. I'm sorry. I feel real stupid." His head was down again when he said that, but like before, it popped back up when she asked if he'd been with anyone while she had been gone. He sort of giggled.
"Es, I haven't left this apartment since you did, nor have I let anyone in. All I do is eat ice cream and watch the Other Guys. You leaving again was the worst thing that ever happened to me.. Fuck, I even gained ten pounds," he put his head to the side, laughing a little, but he was frowning. "Esme, will you move back in with me?" he asked slowly, his hands now interlocked with her's rather than around her wrists.
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Post by Esme Russel on Oct 11, 2012 20:22:31 GMT -5
"I gained ten pounds, too." Esme pointed out as she pulled one of her hands away from his so she could place his hand over her stomach, "Okay so maybe I gained a little bit more than ten pounds but it's worth it. He's worth it." She didn't actually know for sure if she was having a boy at this point but the doctors had said it looked like he was developing little bitty boy parts and that was enough for now.
Move back in? But she had the house! But was she happy living in a massive house when she secretly still longed for the comfort of her apartment? She'd never wanted a giant house or a backyard or any of the things that she had now. "Of course I'll move back in with you." She couldn't imagine not living with him when she was pregnant, "You've missed all the fun stuff! The morning sickness, the beginning when I was horny as hell and now sex just makes me want to puke." She scrunched her face up before realizing that could probably offend him.
"What else fun did you miss this pregnancy? Swollen everything, I'm so swollen and big already." Was there anything else that she should share with him? "Are you ready for me to get huge? The doctor said that the baby is growing so well that he might be like ten pounds when he's actually born." Ten pounds sounded extremely painful but she was a little uneducated on the subject - Cici was only five pounds.
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Post by Hudson Phelps on Oct 11, 2012 21:48:13 GMT -5
Hudson's face lit up when he heard the word 'boy'. He was grinning from ear to ear when he chuckled cutely under his breath and looked down. "A boy," he said through the smile, then bit his lower lip. He kissed her before she started talking about the pregnancy.
"Oh boy looks like I really missed all the fun, huh?" he said sarcastically then started to bounce up and down. "Man, I'm so excited. I haven't been this happy in a while. My beautiful wife is coming home, I've got a son on the way, I'm drinking hot chocolate and I look damn fine with this new hair cut.. what more could a man ask for?" he said through another, toothy smile.
Standing up from his knees, Hudson put his hands on his hips triumphantly. "Can I get you anything?" he asked before dropping his left hand to reach for the mug of hot chocolate.
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Post by Esme Russel on Oct 11, 2012 22:06:15 GMT -5
Esme was half tempted to try and get into his pants while they were alone and happy but the idea of his monster penis going inside of her poor vagina was just nauseating to the point where she actually felt like she was going to go be sick. "Nah, I probably couldn't keep it down anyway." Her morning sickness was slowly getting better now that she was on a new medication for it but that didn't mean that she never got sick which she figured was normal and it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been with Cici.
"I'm still getting sick sometimes, Hudson." She nodded slowly and placed both her hands over her stomach, "It's improving but it can be pretty awful sometimes and I totally understand if you want me to stay away because you think that you can't handle this. I don't want you to see pregnancy as some horrible thing because it's not that bad but there are certain factors that make it disgusting but I think I can handle it. I only throw up if I eat." It probably wasn't healthy that she was surviving on a diet of plain saltine crackers and pedialyte or sometimes plain chicken broth. It wasn't her fault that she was so sick all of the time! She was trying but it was just hard to keep things down or even want to try when she found herself throwing up right after like her body physically wouldn't accept food into it.
She stood up slowly and smoothed out her shirt before walking over to the couch to sit down which was kind of strange since she hadn't sat on the couch in months, she actually forgot how much that she liked it! "Why don't you come lay down and snuggle and we can discuss baby names?"
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Post by Hudson Phelps on Oct 11, 2012 22:14:29 GMT -5
Hudson smiled at her. "Not even some water, huh?" he asked her as she got up and went for the couch. Instinctively, he followed, hot chocolate in hand. "Oh that'd be fun!" he said, eyes lighting up as he set the mug down on the coffee table and jumped onto the couch (literally, both feet off the ground, jumped at the couch). Once positioned on his back, Hudson put his head in Esme's lap so he could look up at her. "I'll go first," he said, eyes closed as he thought.
"I really like Hutch. Oh or Chief," he said after a minute. But now suddenly he was really hot. "Bah hold on a sec," he said as he sat up and pulled his hoodie off over his head. He thanked god that he hadn't put a shirt on under it for two reasons: one, he wasn't going to be hot anymore. And two: this was the perfect opportunity to show off his body to Esme. In the time that she'd been gone, he truly had gained ten pounds.. but at least half of that was in muscle.
"Dey call me Ahhnold," he said in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger accent as he flexed his arms.
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Post by Esme Russel on Oct 11, 2012 22:28:08 GMT -5
Esme hadn't really been paying much attention to Hudson when he took his hoodie off because she'd already seen his naked chest a thousand times or at least she thought that she had... When did he start working out? She actually gasped when she saw him without his shirt on, "Oh my god." She knew that it was probably not an attempt to get into her pants because she had literally just told him that she was still getting sick but dear god, what did he do? She reached one of her hands over to gently touch him, "Oh my god." She was literally just repeating that under her breath over and over.
"You are so sexy." She pressed him against the couch and staddled his lap as she started sucking on his neck and grinding him to see if that would turn her on.. Hey maybe he could make sex less disgusting!
Nope.
Not even a little bit.
She reluctantly pulled off with a heavy sigh and snuggled into his body, "I like Hutch.. I kind of like William for the middle name. I mean... My dad always wanted a baby named after him and my sister and obviously the other is a lesbian who hates children and James is on drugs. I just wish that he was alive to suggest it himself. I also kind of like Ryder, Huddie-bear."
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